Save me from myself
by impureevilregal
Summary: Regina sat there, knife in hand and she tried to remember why she was still alive at all. That was when it came to her, she didn't have anything to live for. Or does she? A story of loss and forgiveness. TW: attempted suicide, self-loathing, self-harm and general darkness
1. Death's gentle kiss

Regina sits there, knife in hand. This is it for her. The final straw. She had now completely and totally lost everything that mattered to her. She lost everything and was left with nothing. Absolutely nothing.

She wonders how it all started and after a while, she thinks she has an answer. It is love. Love did this to her. Every time she tried to love it backfired on her, and she was left off even worse than before. But she still tried to love again.

It seems love works out fine for everybody else. Yet when she tries to find love to it never works. It fails her and she is again left with nothing but a hole in her heart. Maybe she isn't supposed to find love she thinks. Maybe she isn't supposed to have a happy ending.

So there she sat, the knife reflecting her eyes. They didn't have the smallest hint of any happiness. They were completely devoid of any emotion, save the tears growing in the corner.

She could end it. She wants to end it. She is tired of having everything work against her. She doesn't want this life, yet it is the only life there is for her. So she just holds the knife, telling herself that this will be the night she ends it all. But it never is.

Sometimes she makes a few cuts on her arm, she always covers them up with makeup but if you look carefully enough you can still see the scars lacing their way up and down her arm. Of course nobody cares enough to look.

But tonight was different from all the others. Before she still hurt, but now the only thing that had been constant, the only thing that never changed was now gone to. Her mother died. It had happened only a few days before and she can think of nothing else.

Before she had kept telling herself that mother would be so disappointed with her. But mother isn't here anymore. Nobody is here anymore.

Regina decides that if she is going to die she is going to do it right. She grabs a pen, black, of course, and starts writing.

_ Dear Snow,_

_ If you are reading this, then that means that I am hopefully dead. I just wanted to congratulate you on winning. You won't have to worry about me getting in your way anymore._

_ To Miss Swan,_

_ I hope will take good care of Henry for me, as I am no longer going to be there for him. I am going to join my parents. _

_ Dear Henry _

_ The only thing I regret about my actions right now is the fact that I will no longer be with you. I will miss you so much, but please try to forgive me. I am giving everything to you. I Just wish that I could give you more._

_ Farewell _

_ Regina_

With that Regina seals the envelope and uses magic to send it to Snow and her precious little family.

After that she picks up that silver knife and raises over her wrist. She brings it down fast and looks away. It takes her a few seconds to register the pain but when she feels it, she savors it. She drinks it in like she hasn't drank anything for a month.

She let's the blood flow out on the floor and doesn't even attempt to stop it. Slowly she gets dizzier and dizzier until she loses her consciousness completely and falls to the floor, slowly bleeding to death.

A/N I know, I know, i should be writing my other stories but I just don't have any inspiration for them. No i do not own once.

Please review!


	2. All alone

"Emma" calls Mary Margaret in a shaky, frightened voice. "Can you come down here?"

Emma groans. It was past midnight and she was trying to sleep. She puts on her brown fuzzy slippers and half-asleep walks down the stairs to the kitchen. Mary Margaret is sitting there, a horrified look on her face. "R-Regina s-she, Mary Margaret breaks down into tears at this point. She's pointing at a letter open on the table.

Emma reads it, and nearly drops it in surprise. This isn't a letter. This is a suicide note. "Hopefully I will soon be dead" it reads. Emma throws the letter on the table and grabs her coat. She isn't going to let Regina die. Not like this.

She hops into her yellow bug, leaving a sobbing Mary Margaret behind her back in the loft. She goes as fast as she can, screw the speed limit and soon arrives at Regina's mansion. She opens the door, which is surprisingly unlocked, and walks in. Regina is lying there, bleeding to death on the floor.

Emma grabs the phone and calls an ambulance. While she's waiting for it to arrive she grabs a bit of the rug and applies pressure to the wrist in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

it's just her and an unconscious evil queen. At least it isn't a dead evil queen though. She sees marks in the makeup made by Regina's tears. All along her arm there are scars.

They aren't the jagged messed up scars you get in an accident either. They are precise and a clean cut. Regina made these herself.

The ambulance soon arrives and they look reluctant to help her. It is with a resigned sigh that they pick her up and carry her onto the ambulance.

When they get to the hospital they keep Emma out and start working on her.

A/N no I do not own once. I don't really like this chapter but it had to be done. It's a sorta set up for the next chapter. I would like to say thank you for every person who followed this story, or took the time to review. Each and every one of them touched my heart so thank you. Fair warning, I already have some of the next chapter written and if it isn't feels overload i don't know what is.

Review and make me happy?


	3. A new awakening

"I wake up feeling pain in my wrist. There are machines everywhere. I'm in a hospital room. It all comes back to me. I shouldn't even be alive. I should be dead.

I am alone in here. I wish I wasn't here at all. I hate hospitals.

There are probably cameras everywhere, watching my every move. They aren't going to just leave the evil queen unattended like this.

Then, right there, the proof happens. They were watching me. Miss Swan walks in, wearing her infuriating red jacket.

She sits on a chair near her bed. Not speaking, just watching me. Finally,after a couple minutes of silence she speaks. "So, why did you try to do it?"

"Why wouldn't I? What do I have to live for? Henry hates me, the entire town wants me dead. I have done unspeakable things. Things that make it hard to live with myself. I don't know how I lived with myself anyways. At least this way I could go back to the people who have always loved and stood by me. I could go back to Daniel, Mommy, and Daddy."

When Emma hears Regina say Mommy and Daddy, she completely forgets who's standing there. It sounds like a two year old speaking, not the feared Mayor Mills, or the hated evil queen.

"Henry does love you Regina, he was worried about you."

"I knew he would be, in the beginning. But soon he would forget all about me. Thats why I wanted to end things on my terms. They were going to come and kill me soon enough, if I was going to die, it would be my way. It would be my small victory."

Emma just smiled sadly and left the room. Doctor Whale was waiting for her outside. "How long until we can discharge her again?" She asked.

"About a week, but she would need to be watched. There is nothing to stop her from attempting again right when she gets back home."

"I can take care of her." Said Emma. She was not letting Regina try again. She couldn't. Regina was coming hoke with her, screw the consequences.

A/N Angst warning. Next chapter will be pure feels. You have been warned. No I do not own once. Please review everybody! It truly warms my heart!


	4. Let me die

So they have saved me again. They always save me, don't they? They don't think that maybe, I don't want to be saved. Even if I would like nothing better than dying, they still come to my rescue. Even if I want to leave this world behind, they keep me here. It doesn't matter to them that I already died inside.

I think, no I know, that I died with my true love back all those years ago. When mommy killed him she killed me to. But she was trying to help me. Mommy was just trying to do what's best for me.

That's the difference between her and Snow. They both hurt me, but she did it to help me. Snow did it to help herself. She didn't care about me. She just wanted a mother.

Emma walked into the hospital room. "You're coming home with me she said."

No I'm not." Regina replied. "I am going back to my house where you will leave me to mourn my mothers death in peace."

"Not if going back to your house means committing suicide."

"You don't know me. Nobody can judge me, the least of which you."

"I may not know you Regina, but I do know that committing suicide is not the answer."

Regina stayed silent for a couple minutes. Finally she said "is it really fair to make someone who wants to die stay alive? Is it really fair to make someone who make someone who has no love live in a world of hate without any support? Is it right that I have to watch everybody else get their happy endings, when I myself am denied one, because I'm evil? Is it right that I have to watch everybody else happy with their true loves, while mine is dead, and never coming back? Is it right, that I have to watch everybody else happy with their families while I have no one? Just do us all a favor Miss Swan and let me die in my own way, by my own hand."

"Regina, I will not let you die like this."

"Why not? I don't have anything to live for. Or is it because you want to do the honors yourself?"

"Regina, get these thoughts out of your head. You aren't dying anytime soon. I won't let you."

"You won't let me what? Have peace? Be happy? Because that's what you are doing. You are denying me the chance to be happy."

"I firmly believe that you can still have happiness."

"Then you, Miss Swan, are a fool. You are to late, I can't be saved. Not now."

"Yes you can Regina. You just need to try."

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have a darkened heart. You don't feel dark magic pulling at you, begging for you to use it. And you want to use it. For it whispers promises of love and happiness. They are all just lies. But once you start down that road, there is no going back. It's call like that of a Siren. It tempts you with what you love most of all, but it is deadly. It destroys every last bit of goodness you have left."

"I may not know what it feels like, and I definitely do not want to know, but there is still a chance."

"No there isn't. Just give up."

"Regina, you have a choice. Either come home with me, or stay here in the mental ward."

"Or use magic. Blow this place up and die along with it."

"Regina, we both know there is another way."

"But there isn't. There is no other way." With that Regina tried to conjure fire. But nothing happened.

"Why isn't it working? Did you put fairy dust on me or something?"

" didn't do anything. I don't know what's blocking your magic, but it isn't us. So are you coming home with me?"

"I hate you" Regina replied, her voice full of venom.

A/N i do not own once. Not as many feels as I thought. Or perhaps I just mixed up stories again.

Review replies

Vampireprincess86 Don't worry I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

MKAmericanhero Thank you. I love hearing that other people like my stories. Even if they are kind of dark and depressing.

Frenchgirl1981 Thank you! So my writing isn't as bad as I thought then?

jcat30 I actually wrote this chapter before Sunday's episode.

Sal Owl I had to put that there. I just had to.

AlexandriaVE yes, Emma is going to be a big factor in Regina's change.

Review and make me smile!


	5. Her mask

About a week had passed since Regina went home with Emma. During that time, she had thrown a hissy fit about just about anything she could think of. The latest one being about the mattress being to hard. Yet Regina wasn't the same. Her spark was gone.

She had her mask up, and once that happens, she isn't ever going to let it down. She managed to keep it up for 29 years last time. Often Emma and Mary Margaret had a hushed conversation about her.

Regina hid in watch, waiting for the next time she could try again. One day, she would succeed. Soon she would live no longer.

Slowly the days went by, and the charmings began to trust her more and more. They wouldn't let her go back to her house yet, she wondered if they ever would, but they sometimes trusted her enough to leave her at the house alone.

during one of those times, Regina collected a knife from the kitchen. It was small and she doubted anybody would even notice it's absence. She took it up to her room and waited, pretending nothing had ever happened.

She poured everything into that blade. She slashed it across her thigh, again, and again. Every night she did this. Every single night. But she still kept her mask up and she never let it down. Not for anything.

She kept up that cold demeanor, not letting anybody peer underneath it. Sometimes she forgot there was anybody beneath that mask at all.

Every day though,she kept trying to use magic, just waiting for the day that she could use it and end it all. But that day might never come. Her magic might have abandoned her completely. She would still wait though. Soon this nightmare of an existence would be at an end.


End file.
